I’ve procrastinated on this, as evidenced by the fact that we are a few hours shy of February (Edit: it’s now almost March. I’m good at this procrastination thing!) (Edit Edit: It’s midway through March, I’m posting this damn thing already) and this was supposed to be my New Year blog post. I’m not entirely sure why I’ve been putting it off and putting it off. Part of it is because I’ve been enjoying my down time. Time to literally do.. nothing. Part of it is because I know shit is about to get real up in here, and that’s always.. scary, I guess. And part of me knows that writing this is truly the closing of a chapter of my life that I need to close, but it’s scary because of what may be coming next. But how could that possibly be any worse than where I’ve already been?
So with that.. let’s begin with suicide.
It’s been an astounding 3 months since I wrote anything here – which is not terribly surprising but is not acceptable, either. School has ramped up and is really monopolizing a vast majority of my time. That, combined with feeling in a better space most of the time, has helped push the blog from healing mechanism to growing mechanism, I feel. And quite frankly, I haven’t had the time to try growing anything.
That said, I have a few posts planned for the near future and some ideas as to where I want this to go moving forward. School is done (FOR-EV-ER) in about a month and we’ll see how things go then. Then again, this post completely didn’t go as expected, so we’ll see what the future holds. But for now..
I had this post planned out for a few weeks but never got around to posting it. And now I have new and different stuff to post. So I figure I’ll throw it all together here while I’m sitting alone with a cigar after getting out of work early on this beautiful Friday.
First: I’m ok. I am. I know a lot of these posts lately have been about me working through all sorts of garbage and it’s been a long, harrowing road but I found that every time I slipped and fell there was someone there to help me back up.
Every. Damn. Time.
So I fought though the roughest times with a helping hand or two or fifty.. and now, I really am ok on that front. I have thoughts and memories that pop up from time to time. Some regrets and some sad moments but overall I’m really ok. I’m aware of where my pitfalls lie and I’ve almost completely avoided them over the last month or so (only 1 slip up and I paid for it and learned from it). So.. I’m ok.
I’m really ok.
The second thing that I really realized just this week is that I’m.. bored. I’m stagnant. I’m just floating through life and I feel insignificant. And I’m struggling with that. It feels like I’m wasting my life and I haven nothing worthwhile to show for it. I know that’s not exactly true, but that’s how it feels.
So I need to change.. something.. anything.. hell, everything. I’m not sure how, really. When I made that post on Facebook there was a lot of sound advice.. one day at a time, it starts from within, you just.. Do it! <insert gif here>
But I don’t know what it is. I don’t know where I’m going. Where I want to go. Where I want to end up. I don’t know any of that. And that’s where my current struggle is.
So I think I just have to follow the advice I got and.. do it. Even if I have no idea what it is. I’m open to suggestions. Maybe it’s getting out and doing new things. Seeing new places. Meeting new people. Just trying new things. Anything.
So that’s the goal. That’s what’s next for Big C.
And whoever I end up becoming along the way.
For a while now, my friend BP and I have talked about me getting out to D.C. to visit. He made it out to Chicago at one point for work and we were able to hang out a while, but it’s been a while – at least a couple years – so this was a regular topic of conversation. Plus, I had never been to D.C. and it seemed like a place everyone should go at least once.
Additionally I’ve been pretty open about the mid-life crisis of sorts that I’ve been going through lately, and one constant thread of conversation I’ve had with a number of close friends (I’m looking at you RK, CM, and GK who will never read this) is to seize the moment, to start saying yes, to stretch myself outside of my comfort zone, to live life and give myself something to look forward to.
So one day while BP and I are having one of our regular video chat smokes, I made a rush decision that I was going to D.C. After some conversation and schedule checking, I decided 4th of July weekend made the most sense – and just like that, it was on!
The initial plans to head to D.C. on my own, but during a conversation with a group of friends, MR said he was down to come with – so it became a party! Instead of flying I wanted to drive, so early Friday, June 30th we set off for the nation’s capital.
Last weekend was a bit of a revelation. I felt that instead of the 1 step forward, 2 steps back that I’ve seen recently, it was more like 2 huge leaps forward, and maybe a small step back. I knew then that things wouldn’t be perfect moving forward, and they haven’t been, but they have been so. much. better!
I’m happy that I can say that I have been much better able to move past those hiccups that happen here and there. I’m better able to identify when I am heading down a road I don’t want to – hell, that I can’t – go down and I’m so much better able to reverse course when that happens. This has helped me keep a much tighter handle on how I am throughout each day. As I said, it hasn’t been perfect, and it may never be perfect, but it’s.. ok. Hell, I’d argue it’s been good.
And with good comes some reflection..
Ok, that title is a stupid play on words, but it’s fun.. ish.
This is also a really long post. So kudos for anyone who actually reads through all this garbage.
That said.. this has been a really good weekend. I’ve had wonderful ups and some anguishing downs but all told I really feel like this was a very solid weekend which will leave me feeling so much better going forward. Earlier today I was thinking about how I would explain my weekend when I am inevitably asked at work tomorrow, and the word that came to mind was transformational. This weekend.. for all the good and all the bad.. feels absolutely transformational. (Get it now? Transformational, Transformers, more than meets the.. oh, never mind.)
The story of this weekend goes well beyond this weekend, though.. so a bit of context..
It came to my attention that some people, no names were given, had been asking questions or making comments about me and how I am interacting on social media. This in conversation with an apparently mutual friend. They didn’t ask me.. or contact me.. or reach out to me.. but to someone else. And the message that came through was, “Get over it.”
That’s right.. get. over. it.
It recently (like, last night) came to my attention that people have a very strong misunderstanding of what all I’ve been going through of late. Honestly, it doesn’t matter all that much, but I also know that what I have written here and elsewhere has been more one-sided than what I’ve actually been thinking about and going through, so I can understand that one-sided point of view. In fact, throughout much of this I think even I had a one-sided view, but there’s much more to it than that. (See, B? I was nice and didn’t go into any of the stuff you were afraid I would!)
There is a common phrase out there that family doesn’t always have to be your blood – and I believe that in a lot of ways. There are people in my life who I am not related to by blood or marriage and yet I consider them family. This last week I had an eye-opening experience with that.
There is no question I’ve been struggling lately, and by lately I mean all damn year. My thoughts have gone to the worst place they can go on many occasions and while I have hinted at that here and there, outside of sharing with one or two people I kept the depths of that to myself, mainly because I don’t feel anyone else needs to worry themselves about it. It is my darkness.. they are my demons.. and I’ll own them.
But something odd happened this week. In a cigar group I belong to on Facebook someone shared a post about their week – how they had huge ups in being offered a new job, and huge downs when they found out a friend took his own life. Even though this is someone I’ve never spoken to, certainly never met, and likely never even crossed paths with even online, I was horribly affected by his words. As I mentioned in my own post on that site, I have heard 5 or 6 of these similar stories in the last few weeks, but this one hit me hard..
I drive a lot. Like.. a lot. I know some people drive more, and that’s fine, but I still drive a lot. I have a minimum 1.5 hours in the car just driving to and from work, and more often than not I’m heading somewhere else after work and especially on the weekends. I probably put a good 500 miles on my car each week. So I spend a lot of time in the car.
I spend my car time generally one of two ways: podcasts or jamming out. Today was a jamming out sort of day.. but tonight? Well, you guessed it.. there was no jam tonight.
I had another rough day and, spurred on by comments from some friends, I spent the drive home tonight with music playing softly in the background and finally used the time to my benefit and did some deep thinking.
Maybe this wasn’t today’s happy, or yesterday’s.. well, maybe yesterday’s.. but the simple fact that there has been any happy recently is a good thing.
I re-read the last post on here before I began writing this one, and it’s funny how 2 months ago I was talking about the upward swing I was on and how I had overcome so much and was looking forward to how things would be better..
And here I am, 2 months later, knowing that the last 2 months have been hell. Perhaps the worst part of this whole ordeal. No, almost certainly the worst. I’m not 100% sure why that was, but it was.. and yet here I am.. again.. talking about how things are maybe looking up. It makes me wonder if this is just another false ray of sunshine before the clouds roll in and the storm starts once more. Which scares me.. because I nearly didn’t survive the last one.