Hello Darkness, my old friend..
The goal when I started this blog was to act as a way to chronicle my changes to become a better me. Primarily – or solely, even – this was around eating healthier and getting into better, healthier shape. That has gone up and down over the last few years (on the downside right now, but working on it) and this blog has been fairly inactive. Well, I think it may be time to bring it back in a different albeit related capacity.
My personal life has been a mixed bag of emotions over the last 4 or 5 months. Some good, some bad, some amazing, and some horrible. As I currently sit things are on the bad side of that spectrum and that, along with some self realizations over the last few months, have me looking introspectively at who I am, who I have been, and who I want to be. Additionally, I’ve done a lot of thinking on what life really does and should mean to me. I’ve got a long way to go, but I think blogging about that journey will be helpful.
How that will manifest itself remains to be seen. A friend and I have been doing a lot of talking lately (I’m sure he’s sick of me by now) and one of the things we discussed was setting goals for myself on both a short term and long term basis. With this journey into self discovery I figure it’s high time I finally get around to doing something I’ve wanted to do for a while, and that’s read through the Tao te Ching. So I figure I may use this platform as a way to not only walk through how I am and the journey on my way to finding myself, but also as a way of talking through what the Tao brings me.. or doesn’t. I’m really not so sure how that will go, to be honest.
I’m also thinking about doing a “picture a day thing” that seems to be popular, just to remind myself that the sun does still shine, even when the clouds are blocking it from view. And then whatever else should come about on this new journey I’m sure I’ll document to some degree.
But, before we can get to where we are now, we have to go back to where we have been.
A few months back I stumbled into someone who had been in and out of my life at times over the course of a number of years. Someone that was in my life once, and was special to me once, but who through a number of events ended up out of my life – by my choice. Someone who I never expected to see again. Someone I never expected to have feelings for again. And certainly not someone I expected to become.. well, whatever she became to me.
It isn’t lost on me that this is a public blog, so going into great detail isn’t needed or warranted, but suffice it to say that things got pretty serious between us, pretty quickly. I’ve never loved like that before. It was as if all the time apart never happened, and we were back where we were years ago. And it was such a beautiful time.
Keep in mind, I haven’t had any intention of being serious with anyone for a very long time. I avoided any sort of feelings like the plague because.. well, because it never seemed to work out. This time, I had no choice. Before I knew it things were out of control and we were running with it. And it was such a glorious run. I honestly can’t ever remember being happier in my life.
And then things fell apart. There are a lot of ways to look at why things fell apart, and how that came to be, and the way that things went down were.. well, they weren’t pleasant. I don’t understand how someone can go from so caring to so rude so quickly. But that’s neither here nor there. Again, the details don’t matter all that much.
All this went down right around the holidays. To say it was the least enjoyable holiday I’ve had is an understatement. And for months things just drug on. That probably makes me a fool for one reason or another, but that doesn’t change how I felt. How I feel. I also find that this whole thing thrust me back into the darkness of depression that I had fought out of so many years ago. I think that was the biggest and scariest revelation throughout this process – the worst of it happening just a week ago. As I mentioned to a friend, I felt that for years I had the depression locked away in a cage. It would rattle now and again, and maybe reach out and grab my arm for a moment, but it was locked away – and I was safe.
Last week it felt like she had blown the door off that cage.
That darkness that I thought I had pushed myself through and locked away came creeping back unexpectedly and completely out of nowhere. Suddenly I was surrounded by the darkness whose embrace was familiar and terrifying. I felt comfortable in that darkness in a way that scared me to my core.
Still, I’m not so sure the door was blown off that cage after all. Maybe, instead, the door is still there and I just strayed too close and got caught in its grasp for a moment. Maybe that momentary lapse of judgement was enough to snap me back out of it. Or maybe I’ll need to keep fighting.
At least I know I’m not alone.
Throughout this process, most notably the last week, I have had a number of people reach out to me through different mediums. People who I don’t talk with that often offered words of wisdom, advice, and love. I was so incredibly touched – and I know that I didn’t do a good enough job thanking those that reached out. But I will.
And beyond that has been one friend who has been my voice of reason throughout all of this. The one person I have turned to more than any other and, despite the difficult position that put him in, he never hesitated, he never turned me away, and he would always lend an ear when needed.
So that was then.
Now, the darkness has faded to some degree but I still feel it lurking in the background, waiting for me to slip up. I don’t intend to give it that chance, and just being aware of it is a good first step toward making sure that doesn’t happen. And beyond that, I intend to start looking inward and then onward. Diving into a deep self inspection to help me identify just what it is that I want to be doing with my life. And then setting forth to do that. It seems now is as good a time as any for that sort of thing.
Inward and onward to a Better C.
Sounds like a good idea to me.