Danger, Will Robinson.. and thank you.
To be fair, today’s happy picture started out being some cigars I got in the mail yesterday, but instead today’s happy absolutely turned out to be good time spent with a couple good friends – B and Paul. It didn’t hurt that I had a flight of whiskey and 2 flights of beer and another beer as a kicker. Big C was feelin’ good! Hell – Big C is still feelin’ really good.
In fact.. you probably shouldn’t drink and blog, yet here I am.. and this should be fun..since today I got contacted by the lady that has filled these pages the last few days. Turns out she stumbled onto this blog. And her reaction was.. well, to be expected.
To put it straight – she was pissed. And I don’t blame her for that. She certainly hasn’t been painted in the best color throughout these blog posts, but I would argue that I haven’t specifically called her out nor have I dived into too many details. What I’ve shared are my perspectives, my thoughts, my feelings, and how I’m dealing with what happened. I think all of that is fair. There were a couple pieces she took offense to and I can see why she would; however, I feel it’s also fair that if she took a moment to see this through my eyes maybe she would see things a bit different. Maybe not.
Either way – here’s how things went down.
I got a text message late this morning that she stumbled onto my blog and was less than pleased with what she read. We spoke for a while – I wouldn’t say we fought, but we kinda fought. She continued to insist that she hadn’t been saying things about me behind my back that were unflattering – while she continued to say things behind my back that were unflattering. I get it – I understand her motivation, but it’s still.. sad. And hurtful, to an extent.
She’s insistent that I’m not over her. Which is fine. She still holds a piece of my heart and it’s entirely possible that she always will, but I’m ready to move on. I have moved on. I don’t deserve the treatment I’ve gotten and I certainly won’t sit around for more of it.
After unfriending me on social media a week ago all of a sudden she sent friend requests on everything. I wonder why that is? She’s made it clear she has no interest in actually being a friend, so why would she want access into my stuff? It makes little sense to me. But alas – here we are.
I’m open to talking. I’m open to being friendly. The truth of the matter is, I do still miss her. I miss talking with her. I miss the conversations we had that I felt were so fun, and amazing. Although apparently she has a long list of reasons why she and I were horrible together. Who knew? I sure didn’t.
This wasn’t what I intended to write tonight.
I did intend to blog about her, but in a completely different way. What I want to say to her is.. thank you.
Yes, thank you.
Sure, things ended very poorly. I still contend that she was rude and uncaring in how she handled things, I would argue she still is in a lot of ways, and I went into a very dark hole for a while triggered by this, but in the end.. I want to thank her.
Because regardless whether what I perceived to be her love was real or not as I look back, to me, at the time.. it was real. It was genuine. It was pure. And the love I felt from her was something I have never felt before, and I never expected to ever feel in my life. Additionally, I have loved her more than i thought possible. I gave her all I had. Ultimately it wasn’t enough, but that’s beside the point.. I opened up to someone again. Something I swore I would never do again, I did. She gave me no choice but to do so. And I thank her for that.
She awoke within me the desire to be more than what I am. To push myself beyond the limits I have set for myself. She pushed me to dream.. dream of things greater than what I could imagine. And she gave me the strength and courage to chase those dreams. I’m thankful for that.
She showed me how beautiful love can be when it is reciprocated. And how horrible it can be when you lose it. But you know what? It was still worth it. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? Yeah.. it hurts. But there’s truth in that. I thank her for showing me that, too.
For a time she showed me what it’s like for someone to truly care for you. She did little things, said things, did things.. that just showed she cared. Cared in a way no one has ever cared for me before. It doesn’t matter how things ended up or how I feel I was treated, those moments will stick with me forever. I am eternally grateful for that.
There are so many things I’m thankful for that she gave me over the time we spent together. So much so that it’s hard if not impossible to look back at the time as a waste. Despite the pain, despite the darkness I stumble through, and even despite the terrible ends I was looking at.. I’m thankful for what she gave me in the time we had together. And even now, what she continues to give me – in a weird sort of way.
I could go on for days about the things I’m thankful for that she gave me.
I don’t know that she will read this, but if she does.. thank you for what you gave me. I hate like hell that you took it away, but I’m a better man because of the time we spent together.