Contrition..

So I failed at taking a happy picture today. But what I can say today’s happy is – was making something homemade for dinner. Chicken szechuan stir fry with brown rice. I totally should have snapped a picture but I failed miserably. I was too excited to get back to my fantastic and amazing Friday night alone on my couch with stir fry and HBO Now.

Also, I think I’m going to start working on some longer-term goals. What I want to accomplish by my next birthday, just over a year away. We’ll see how that goes..

So today’s reading from the Tao te Ching:

Not exalting the gifted prevents quarreling.
Not collecting treasures prevents stealing.
Not seeing desirable things prevents confusion of the heart. 

The wise therefore rule by emptying hearts and stuffing bellies, by weakening ambitions and strengthening bones.
If men lack knowledge and desire, then clever people will not try to interfere.
If nothing is done, then all will be well.

So to me, this speaks of want. Of desire. Of seeking something. And that doing so you can lead to unfavorable outcomes. It is important not to extend yourself beyond yourself, and stay centered and focused while not wanting for those things outside your control.

Some of that speaks to me. Some of it.. not so much. I think the desire of the physical, one way or another, can lead us down some sketchy back roads of the soul but I think that the interpersonal wanting and striving for betterment can be a good thing. Although, all things can turn ugly as well.

I see a correlation to some of the conversations and realizations I’ve had over the last couple days.

Clearly I’ve been in a poor emotional state lately, those who know me outside of this blog know it’s lasted for quite some time. This blog offered an opportunity for me to express and push out some of that frustration and anger that I’ve felt. And in doing so, maybe I pushed too hard.

As I mentioned in yesterday’s blog I was contacted by – she should really have a name, but “the lady” – and we had.. well, we had a conversation about stuff. Some good, some bad. She was far from happy with some of the things I said, and that’s fine. I stood behind what I said and why I said them. And I stood behind how I felt that led me to write what I did.

But after a brief talk with a co-worker yesterday it dawned on me that maybe I pushed too far. The thing she most took issue with was being called heartless and rude. And I look at that a couple different ways.

The reason behind me feeling that and expressing that is and was valid. I felt, and I feel, she didn’t care. Doesn’t care. She didn’t wonder. She was cruel in how she behaved at times. And it’s perfectly valid for me to have those feelings.

However, stating it the way I did could clearly be seen as me turning around and being.. well, maybe not heartless but certainly rude. And while I can appreciate, and I would hope anyone reading this can as well, that I was venting the frustration and anger I felt, it also turned me into someone that I’m really not – which is a person that would dig at someone like that.

So this morning I apologized to her privately. And, since what I said was said publicly, I’m apologizing publicly as well.

The way I expressed how I felt left something to be desired. It was something I wasn’t happy with. Something I wasn’t proud of. Something not me.

We can add that to the list of things I can work on.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: