I can see clearly now..
A good cigar, some gin, some juice.. hard to beat that. This was actually my picture from yesterday but today was much the same. It was absolutely gorgeous out after work and I enjoyed my favorite cigar with a drink I’ve grown a bit fond of lately.
Today’s Happy was.. me. How I felt, how I saw the world, how things are going in my life.. it made me happy. I had a really good day, overall. Things at work are very good in a number of different ways. Things outside of work are pretty good, too. I’m in the midst of planning a get together for my birthday and hopefully I’ll be able to spend the day with some friends. Then the week after I head to Phoenix with my oldest friend to take in some Spring Training.
And that.. other stuff that has filled these pages, is much, much better. Not to say it’s 100% gone, but it’s mostly gone. The sadness, the loss, the anger.. the depression. There are bouts here and there but overall it’s gone. Admittedly tonight I scrolled through some of our first text messages when this whole thing started up.. that may have been a bad idea, but still.. overall, I’m in a good place.
I had a conversation with my leader at work today. He mentioned that a position was opening up that my director reached out to him about, in relation to me. The pieces started to move pretty quickly, too. It felt amazing to have the respect not only of my direct leader but his leader as well that I would be a person they look to possibly fill that role.
But beyond that, as I was speaking with my leader, we discussed my next steps in the company. Hell, maybe outside the company. I’m not looking to push myself to the next step immediately, but I feel these last few months have opened my eyes some. My vision has widened beyond the scope that it was focused on not too long ago and I’m open to a lot more possibilities than I have ever been before. I want to search for what my dreams are and chase them. Because life is too damn short not too.
For a short while I found something.. someone.. that truly made me happy. Happier than I have ever been before in my life. And the way I used to be, I would forget all that and focus only on the pain and hurt and anger that came with how it ended and how I was treated and just close myself off to the world. That’s how I have survived in the past.
But I’m not sure I’m that guy anymore.
I don’t want to focus on the pain and depression that filled much of the last few months. Instead I want to focus on the love and happiness and excitement that filled much of the time before that. Not that I’m holding onto something that isn’t there anymore and won’t ever be there again – hell, maybe was never there from her side to begin with, I don’t know – but focusing on those feelings and how I want that to be a part of my life with someone who deserves to receive that from me. And someone who truly wants to give that to me in return.
I don’t know that I’ll ever find it. I don’t know that I’m supposed to ever find it. But I know that if I close myself off to the possibility of finding it, I never will. And I’m not OK with that.
It has taken a lot of time to get me to where I am. A lot of thinking, a lot of soul searching, a lot of help from some very special people in my life, and even coming back from some very deep, dark places – but now I’m here.
I think I’ll stick around a while..