Which way is up?
Maybe this wasn’t today’s happy, or yesterday’s.. well, maybe yesterday’s.. but the simple fact that there has been any happy recently is a good thing.
I re-read the last post on here before I began writing this one, and it’s funny how 2 months ago I was talking about the upward swing I was on and how I had overcome so much and was looking forward to how things would be better..
And here I am, 2 months later, knowing that the last 2 months have been hell. Perhaps the worst part of this whole ordeal. No, almost certainly the worst. I’m not 100% sure why that was, but it was.. and yet here I am.. again.. talking about how things are maybe looking up. It makes me wonder if this is just another false ray of sunshine before the clouds roll in and the storm starts once more. Which scares me.. because I nearly didn’t survive the last one.
Beyond that, this whole thing just irritates me. It irritates me beyond words that I’m still struggling with this. It irritates me that it has come to define me in so many ways. And it irritates me how it has impacted other people.. in weird ways.. and how it has in the past, and may in the future, impact some of the most important relationships in my life. The whole damn thing just irritates me.
But being irritated solves nothing. And sitting in my hole and sulking doesn’t either. So I’ve tried to see the sunshine when it’s presented. I don’t always succeed, hell I fail more often than not, but the effort is there.. some of the time. And success is there some of the time, too.
This post is all over the damn place.. which is oddly appropriate, because that’s how I feel most days. From one minute to the next I don’t know what to expect, which is exhausting in the worst ways. The funny thing is, I have been trying to make a point to get a blog post made for a few weeks now and the entire time I had a number of different thoughts for the subject matter, and it was all positive. But then when I get here, or more-so how I’m feeling this morning, doesn’t align with that. Again, rather apropos.
So in summary: I think I may have crawled out of the deepest, darkest hole I’ve ever been in, but sometimes I slip back down, and sometimes I see the sun, but other times it’s nothing but clouds, and I can’t tell up from down some days, but other days I’m my old happy-go-lucky self.
Confusing as hell, I know.
Now imagine living with it..