No jam tonight

 

I drive a lot. Like.. a lot. I know some people drive more, and that’s fine, but I still drive a lot. I have a minimum 1.5 hours in the car just driving to and from work, and more often than not I’m heading somewhere else after work and especially on the weekends. I probably put a good 500 miles on my car each week. So I spend a lot of time in the car.

I spend my car time generally one of two ways: podcasts or jamming out. Today was a jamming out sort of day.. but tonight? Well, you guessed it.. there was no jam tonight.

I had another rough day and, spurred on by comments from some friends, I spent the drive home tonight with music playing softly in the background and finally used the time to my benefit and did some deep thinking.

The comments that got me thinking most were:

AP, in response to me commenting that I had a rough day: “What is the catalyst?”

CM, also in response to that post: “So, change it. :)”

RC, in a text message around the same sort of subject but much deeper in context, he asked how I was doing and I responded ok-ish, his response: “How do we make that great-ish?”

These weren’t necessarily the most poignant or amazing things ever said to another person – in fact, CM in particular has been incredibly inspirational and has helped pull me through a couple really dark spots – but they just all sort of came together at the same time.. at the right time.. when I really needed to and was able to hear it.

How do we make that great-ish?

That’s the real goal, right? To not just be ok, or alright, or not horrible – but to be great… ish. When things hit the fan I got a lot of great advice from some people close to me and I had all these great ideas – that I never acted on. In fact, earlier this week I had a phenomenal drive into work where I had idea after idea after idea.. and again, no progress yet. So that is how I make that great-ish again.. I act. First, we need to know what we are working on..

The catalyst: 

I won’t go into details, but I know what it is. Anyone who has read any part of this blog or who knows me to any degree knows the basis behind this, but it goes deeper than that. It’s more specific than that topic in general. The point is, thinking through what happened today and how things have transpired in previous days and weeks and months when these funks seem to come on, I know what the catalyst is. And as CM pointed out, I can change that. It is entirely within my control. I have the power to stop these instances from coming on. The bigger question is what do I do once it has already come on? For that I’m not entirely sure.

So, change it 🙂

I have control to change what is triggering this for the most part, and I am already working on plans to stop that. But I need to do more than just plan – I need to execute – and that will come shortly. This weekend I hope to.. no, plan to.. nuh uh – I will put together what steps I will take to help with these situations before they hit, and devise some sort of action plan for after they hit – should I not be able to stop it. I will update once I have that information.

So now what?

Now I put this out for the world and – more importantly – people close to me to see. I don’t know how many will read through this but I’m certain at least a few will and that automatically builds in a few accountability partners to help hold me to my word.

As an aside..

That soft music playing in the background tonight flipped onto a song that means a lot to me – “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails. It made me think.. a few things.

This song was my everything back when I was in my deepest, darkest hole. That line.. “I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel..” was so much me, in so many ways. The darkness was everywhere and I saw no escape.. I had no escape.. but yet I did. Somehow.. someway.

It made me think about how things are currently. I have alluded to some of the thoughts I’ve had lately, and even though I thought I was past those, it’s clear to me I’m not completely.. but even still, even with those thoughts and those internal conversations still going on, I take heart in knowing that I can still see the sun shine, even if it is rare. I made it through a time when the sun didn’t exist in my world at all, and I’m hopeful I can make it through this as well.

I think this is one step in that right direction..

 

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