It recently (like, last night) came to my attention that people have a very strong misunderstanding of what all I’ve been going through of late. Honestly, it doesn’t matter all that much, but I also know that what I have written here and elsewhere has been more one-sided than what I’ve actually been thinking about and going through, so I can understand that one-sided point of view. In fact, throughout much of this I think even I had a one-sided view, but there’s much more to it than that. (See, B? I was nice and didn’t go into any of the stuff you were afraid I would!)
Clearly the catalyst, and the one-side that gets the most press, is the recent relationship and how things went down with that. And I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t an issue in any of this today – clearly it is – but that’s almost on the side of everything else. Yes, that relationship and how things ended tore me up and I’m still working to put those pieces together and yes, it comes back and bites me in the ass more than I’d like, but what it also did is set into motion a lot more thinking, wondering, and searching within myself.
As an introspective person who does a lot of soul (and Google) searching I recently looked around to put words to what I was feeling and thinking and, while I don’t know why it didn’t hit me earlier, it finally did hit me that I’m seriously having a mid-life crisis. Add that to the emotional roller-coaster from the past relationship (which apparently I just need to “get over”) in addition to the depression rearing its ugly head, and this has been a less than ideal year for Big C. That said, I’m trying to take things in a positive direction and make movement and changes that align my life more with what I want my life to be.
Yesterday on my way to work I had a lot of thoughts and ideas around what that might mean, and when I got to the office I feverishly wrote them all down so I wouldn’t forget anything. I’m sure there are more that I haven’t yet put pen to paper on, but this is a good start.
Some of my realizations revolve around career, love/relationships, the meaning of life (more of less), and who I want to be..
I will occasionally watch this show, Million Dollar Listing New York. It’s a real estate-ish show and this week I was watching the 5th season. One of the real estate brokers, Luis, was going through his own crisis. He was unhappy and emotional (even more-so than usual) and when speaking with another broker who told him she had been in the business for 20 years he.. lost it. And it dawned on him that he never really wanted to be a real estate broker, he just stumbled into it.. and he couldn’t imagine doing it for 20 years. And he left.. the show, the business.. hell, the country.
Now I don’t plan on anything that drastic (it’s much easier to do that when you’re likely worth a few million) but it did cause me to think a lot about my own career. I’ve never been as blessed as some people who know exactly what they want to do, and I’ve sort of pieced it together as I’ve gone along. I won’t get into my whole story but for those who are aware my career path is.. unconventional, to say the least. I got started way late and just kinda went where I could.. and that’s it.
Now don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy what I do, and enjoy the company and people I work for, but as the saying goes, am I living to work, or working to live? And clearly it’s the latter right now.. and all of this has gotten me thinking about that a lot.
I have a direction I’m looking.. I don’t want to get into too many details, but I have a path I’m looking to take, and I have a friend who is advising me on that path, and having an end goal is so damn exciting! It’s very rare I have goals in my personal life but having something I’ve set my sights on and working towards, in some ways, is invigorating. I look forward to what those next steps may be.
This may be a shock – but I’ve never been a big player in this department. I’m a quiet, shy, introverted person who has never been comfortable with the game that is dating. Ever. And I don’t suspect that will ever change. So knowing that, I think in a way I gave up on that being a part of my life. In a way I wanted it, and every now and then I felt really lonely and would kind of give it a half-hearted attempt, but in the end.. I think I just gave up.
But I was ok with that. I came to terms with what my life would be and, frankly, in a lot of ways being single and having no one to answer to is incredibly refreshing. So there I was, happy on my path, when she came along and everything changed.
So, yes. I miss her. I miss so much about her. Maybe I shouldn’t, but I do. But beyond that, I missed that.. thing. Being in a relationship, having someone, etc. etc. All that. And the biggest fear is that I went from being ok with being alone forever, to not being ok with being alone forever.. but looking at forever, alone. And that’s pretty damn heartbreaking. Additionally, I’ve struggled through being hurt a lot in the past, and clearly this hurt has damn near broke me for good, so the thought of putting myself back out there and open to that again is beyond terrifying.
But there’s another angle – maybe I don’t need to be that person who’s ok with that? Maybe I don’t need to be a person who is horrible at dating? Maybe the next person or the person after that won’t break me? Maybe, just maybe, I’m ok enough to be with someone.
I’m still working on some of that confidence, but I am working on it..
The meaning of (my) life:
When I hit my darkest times, and I was contemplating whether I wanted to see the next day, this normally took the form of thinking about what the point of life really is. I mean, really.. why even go on? What’s the point? To see one more Brewer game? To smoke one more cigar? To see my friends or family for one more day? Just what’s the point? In the end we all end up dust anyway.
I was reminded of a quote from the movie Tombstone when Doc Holiday is quite literally on his death bed and speaking with Wyatt Earp when Wyatt tells him he just wants to live a normal life. Doc replies, “There is no normal life, Wyatt.. it’s just life. Now get on with it.” Wyatt responds, “I don’t know how..” to which Doc tells him, “Sure you do. Say goodbye to me. Go grab that spirited actress and make her your own. Take that beauty and run don’t look back. Live every second. Live right up the hill. Live Wyatt.. live for me.”
I think so much of what I had been thinking was around that “normal” life.. its like when they say that it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey. And maybe that’s what the point is. Maybe the point isn’t so much where you’re going, and maybe not entirely about how you get there, but maybe it’s about the impact you can have on your way there. I’ve always prided myself on the way I have a positive impact on other people and I don’t believe I’m tooting my own horn saying that..
I’m going to sidestep because I truly just had a revelation as I was typing this. I remember back once upon a time I had created my own goal in life.. and it was to help others, so they in turn can help others. And maybe that’s what the meaning of life really is – having an impact on those around you, in some way. I don’t know – I’m thinking out loud.
The point is I’m still searching, because I’m not quite sure what the answer to this is, but along the way as I search for that, be it through meditation, education, religion, hell exercise and bettering myself.. I want to ensure that I continue to have a positive impact on those around me. I say “continue” hoping that I’m doing so now, of course..
Who I want to be:
A friend, TK, made a comment to a Facebook post in response to me recently which said, more or less, that you wake up every day with a choice on who you will be.. and you can be anyone you want to be. But you should be you and not who someone else wants you to be.
It dawned on me that I have, in a lot of ways, let myself fall into the “that’s not who I am” camp quite a bit. I’ve let certain aspects of my life rule other aspects. Why do I need to be quiet, and shy, and reserved, and not engage other people? It’s not comfortable for me – but it doesn’t mean I can’t do it.
Why do I need to be someone who spends more time sitting (and smoking, let’s be honest) than being out and social or maybe exercising?
Why do I need to live each day the same as the one before, the one I’m used to, the one I’m “supposed” to be living?
The simple answer is – I don’t.
I once heard a Tony Robbins speech, and I wish I could find it, where he basically talked about how you choose who you are today. It’s that simple. Just because you’ve’ made a lot of choices leading up to today, it doesn’t mean you have to live those same choices going forward. Sure, there are some limitations – I wasn’t a marathon runner yesterday, and I sure as hell ain’t gonna be one today. But what I could be is someone who starts walking, in order to start running, in order to start running marathons.
It’s all in the choices we make and, more importantly, the actions we put forth to make things happen.
The summary of all this is, really, that I don’t know that I like the person I was yesterday. Sure, I like some aspects of him, but there are others I’m not so sure of. And I need to change those. Somehow. It may be more about the journey than the destination, but I think I’m at a point where I don’t want that journey to be rambling around blind, and I’d rather have a destination in mind and start working toward it..
..and maybe I can begin to enjoy this journey a little bit.