I’m ok.. ish.

I had this post planned out for a few weeks but never got around to posting it. And now I have new and different stuff to post. So I figure I’ll throw it all together here while I’m sitting alone with a cigar after getting out of work early on this beautiful Friday.

First: I’m ok. I am. I know a lot of these posts lately have been about me working through all sorts of garbage and it’s been a long, harrowing road but I found that every time I slipped and fell there was someone there to help me back up.

Every. Damn. Time.

So I fought though the roughest times with a helping hand or two or fifty.. and now, I really am ok on that front. I have thoughts and memories that pop up from time to time. Some regrets and some sad moments but overall I’m really ok. I’m aware of where my pitfalls lie and I’ve almost completely avoided them over the last month or so (only 1 slip up and I paid for it and learned from it). So.. I’m ok.

I’m really ok.

But..

The second thing that I really realized just this week is that I’m.. bored. I’m stagnant. I’m just floating through life and I feel insignificant. And I’m struggling with that. It feels like I’m wasting my life and I haven nothing worthwhile to show for it. I know that’s not exactly true, but that’s how it feels.

So I need to change.. something.. anything.. hell, everything. I’m not sure how, really. When I made that post on Facebook there was a lot of sound advice.. one day at a time, it starts from within, you just.. Do it! <insert gif here>

But I don’t know what it is. I don’t know where I’m going. Where I want to go. Where I want to end up. I don’t know any of that. And that’s where my current struggle is.

So I think I just have to follow the advice I got and.. do it. Even if I have no idea what it is. I’m open to suggestions. Maybe it’s getting out and doing new things. Seeing new places. Meeting new people. Just trying new things. Anything.

So that’s the goal. That’s what’s next for Big C.

And whoever I end up becoming along the way.

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